Listening - A psychological and philosophical tool to be happy
[A] Introduction / Background:
90% of communication is listening. Not too wrong. Listening forms a formidable part of the process of communication. Listening, some say, is a skill of communication. While I cannot disagree with that at all, I’d like to add that listening is more like an attribute of personality. Or, to say the least, more of a habit and less of a skill. The good listeners are generally reasonably good communicators. Not implying that how you convey your thoughts is not important. But yes, good listeners shall always enjoy a special status in the area of communication!
Please remember that listening is equally important in email writing and can make or break email communications as well.
[B] Types/Levels/Classification of Listening:
Listening works at many levels. These levels or types, are mere concepts. In reality, it is very difficult to brand anyone as belonging to a particular type of listener. It depends. One can be an active listener in some cases, and can be a non-listener / hearer in others. So, one point must be kept in mind: listening is an art and such arts cannot be categorised into different types like any other scientific processes or concepts.
[C] Discussion.
Hearing Vs Listening: One of our senses is hearing. The ear receives “audio signals” (stimulus) and transfers it to the brain to process and perceive. Thus, our ear is nothing more than a high quality sound recorder.
The difference between hearing and listening is also easy to understand. When one “hears”, one does not necessarily focus on finding the “exact meaning” or “hidden meaning” into the message. It is more of a prima-facie interpretation of what is being said.
While listening is about trying to understand and interpret the message with more attention than hearing. It is not merely a prima-facie meaning that is being looked for by the listener. To a listener, each word might carry a certain shade of meaning of weightage that a hearer might simply ignore.
For example, you ask your peon, “How are you brother?”. And he says, rather in a very low voice, “I am fine, thank you”. If you are a hearer, you would “notice” this reply at a prima-facie (physical / sensory) level. May or may not give him a smile, and move on with your work. Here, you are not being judged or something. But, here, you are playing the role of a “hearer” only.
On the other hand, if you are a listener, the not so enthusiastic tone of the peon may prompt you to note that something is “missing” in his answer, “I am fine”. And you might investigate a bit further, if everything is really fine and that you can be approached for any assistance (you sound very genuine in offering the help).
Acting of Listening (Pseudo listening):
Here, either you keep pretending to the speaker that you are listening or keep working simultaneously on something else. You might also be “preoccupied” with the thought that you already “know” what others are trying to “convey”.
People who indulge in this type of listening may be good at “acting”. They may nod their heads or make certain gestures to indicate that they are actually “listening”, while they may actually not be listening. So, one requires to know such listeners for some time, before coming to a conclusion.
Such listening habits can ruin professional careers, can raise dysfunctional conflicts and create cracks in marriages and romantic relationships and may lead to poor parenting as well.
Selective Listening (Also called biased listening):
A contributor to selective perception, this one is about listening to what you want to “listen to” out of what is being said. Such listeners quote others “out of context”, and in ways, that “suits” them. The auditory cortex performs this function of listening. When the focus is on one sound, it can only hear that sound. Thus, the listening becomes selective listening.
Here one only hears things in “pieces” and “parts” that interest them.
For example, I am talking to you about cars in general. But your favourite is Maruti Suzuki. So, whenever I pronounce the word “Maruti”, your brain will pay attention.
Such listening can lead to terrific miscommunications.
Active Listening:
When the listener listens to the “body sport” or the “tone” and “pitch” of the speaker, it helps. Such listening can reduce misunderstandings and miscommunication up to a great extent. Active listening was introduced by Carl Rogers and Richard Farson. It is a detailed study, and requires a lot of practice.
If you can practise paraphrasing, clarifying, giving clues like “ok”, “fine” or “mhhm” can help you become a better active listener.
Sometimes (not always) a hug may also be a sign of active listening. Remember that “jappi” from Munnabhai MBBS?
The most important aspect about being an active listener (or any type of good listener) is to be non-judgemental.
Critical Thinking:
This type of thinking generally occurs when a listener tries to identify the “facts” and “noises” in what is being said by the speaker. If someone is talking to you with a certain preset agenda, where they want you to “buy into” or “believe” something, like a political promise or a sales scheme promise, such thinking may allow you to filter the facts from the “noises”.
Therapeutic Listening:
This type of listening helps when you are trying to console a friend or someone. It is useful while someone is discussing the problems with you. Nodding heads (a bit more than usual, if required), good constant eye contacts might be indicative of this type of listening.
Empathetic Listening:
Though some experts believe that there is not much difference between active and empathetic listening, according to me, there is some difference. As the name suggests, when one listener tries to ‘feel’ the ‘emotions’ of others, it may be called ‘empathetic listening’. Empathetic listening might really have large number of applications, from management to medicine.
This type of listening can really help when you are a medical professional and someone is sharing something “more than medical issues” to you.
For example, it requires a great deal of empathetic listening, on the part of the therapist, who diagnoses a kid as being on “Autism Spectrum Disorder”. Because that news will literally “blow off” the complete life expectations of the parents. They will always ask (why us?), to which there is no answer. It requires a great deal of empathy, on the part of the therapist, to go through such conversations.
[D] Ways to be a good listener:
Do not bring “your” perspective into everything:
Every person is unique and has different life experiences than yours. The way, each of us, respond back to something, differs a lot. When you are listening to a friend, who is going through the rough times, there should no “brain talk” in your mind that “method X is the best way to deal with this problem of my friend”. That will not allow you to listen to your friend completely openly.
Do not be a judge:
A lot of times, we are listening to reply or pass on the judgement. If you do not have time, it is generally a good idea to call the person late or refer him/her to someone else, who might be able to help. But, passing on your own judgement is going to trouble the speaker even more.
Pay attention to details:
The speaker expects the listener to “listen” and “remember” important things that come out during the conversation. As a listener, if you cannot remember about what important facts were bright to your notice, it sends a message to the speaker that you are not serious about the conversation. One must rise beyond such practices.
